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“We can’t go through all that again, please no!”“There’s only one alternative,” I stated.We looked at each other in silence, neither of us wanting to be the first to use the ‘T’ word. Apart from the pain and morality of such a decision, given my husband’s professional specialism, if it became known that his wife had gone through a termination his career might have been severely damaged.Indeed my own career would be harmed too, though for different reasons, to say nothing of the profound effect it would have on my emotional and mental wellbeing.No, a termination could only be a last resort; that much did not need to be said.“Do you want to have another baby?” Pete asked softly. “Whatever I feel, it would have to be your decision in the end.”“You know I don’t,” I replied honestly.“How long before we have to decide?”“A month - six weeks maybe. The sooner the better if... ”I let the words fade away. Pete sighed, rolled alongside me again and took me in his arms.“So we wait and see?” he. If I’d been sleeping in my bed, I wouldn’t be worried about anything right now. I’d be gone, too. There in the middle of my bed was the broken remains of my guitar.It was too much. That final nail in the coffin. Too much to bear. I crumpled and my beautiful girlfriends knelt and wept beside me.If I was seventy or eighty, I’d lay a kindly hand on my shoulder in sympathy. Then I’d say something like, ‘Life’s unpredictable.’ I’d think for at least a second about the people I’ve lost and then I’d continue. ‘You need to not dwell on it. You have responsibilities. Your family needs you. You need to be strong for them. Stop your crying now and act like a man. You need to get hold of yourself and help the family.’Right. The seventeen-year-old in me told him to shut the fuck up! What did he ever know about love and family? What does he know about grief? He hardly knew his sisters. He didn’t even cry for Renie. Sanctimonious bastard! Get the fuck out of my head!Maybe we feel more when we are.
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