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Not that it had done a lot of good. He still chose her over me. Better the devil you know, I concluded bitterly as I lurched into the living room on a cloud of vodka fumes.The television wavered before my eyes. I debated turning it on and watching some inane crap — but I couldn't find the remote. Flopping down on the sofa, I thought about where I had gone wrong.Was it when I replied to his text after nearly eighteen months? Or was it when I agreed to meet him again on the basis that I needed to see if I still had feelings for him? No, it was when I began to let my guard down and he slipped through my emotional firewall. From that moment I was doomed. I fell for him all over again and the writing was writ large on the wall — 'you will be fucked over big style'.He was never going to leave her for me. He even fucking told me! But, being a typical woman, I ignored the obvious signs and persisted on writing my own happy ending.I curled up miserably into a foetal ball and closed my eyes.. I want to pierce my ears again. At least myears. I want to look slutty. But I don't. I experiment with allthe million gradiations in between. But still, even just walking inslacks or a skirt, I can't escape the reality that I have eggs, aclit, fallopian tubes, a cervix. I want to prove it. I want someoneto see me.I kept thinking about that. I started watching myself in the mirrorand imagining how others must see me. For the first time, I startedtaking some pictures of myself. I think I was afraid to before. Orsomething. I started role-playing more. I'd think of differentpeople and different situations. Alone, in my apartment I can be naked with them. I can show them mybody. They can see how graceful and lithe I am. They can see me tossback my hair, how my boobs flop when I bend over, they see that slitbetween my ass, how I can touch my toes now. There was that photographer. She was very good at her job. She was5'3 or so, shorter than me, with jet black hair, and.
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