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Mom (she told me about this years later) explained that Ihad no sisters, and that I must have been doing it out of curiosity. Itwasn't just an excuse, it was what she believed. She told the teacherthat she didn't mind if I spent more time with the girls. She talked tome about it home. I told her that I liked girls more than boys. I kneweven then that I was not "normal," and that I shouldn't tell her what Iwas really thinking.The next couple of years were hard for me. I spent a lot of time bymyself, looking at mom's magazines and our catalogs. I searched forpictures of young women and girls to see the kinds of outfits and shoesthey got to wear. I imagined myself as a female model, or as a boymodeling in feminine clothes. Whenever I had even a few minutes alone, Iran into mom and dad's room and opened her dresser drawers. I would pickup her underwear and stockings and dream of how they would feel on me. Inever had enough time to try anything on, but the feel of the silkymaterial. Please Pete,’ she began to cry. ‘I just can’t!’ she became agitated and lifted her hand to her face. ‘I see the way they look at me. I can’t bear it!’ ‘It’s okay, Josh is still in Canberra,’ Pete said trying to calm her. ‘We will keep you safe here. Relax Peri, your safe with me.’ He said assuming she was worried about Nik returning to finish the job. Peri lay back and let her tears flow. They didn’t understand, and she wasn’t sure she could make them understand why she couldn’t face the family. She knew that it was her arrival at the facility, and having to see her every day that must have made Nik do these horrible things. She could see the blame in their eyes when Josh and his family looked at her, and she bore that guilt even more so because she wasn’t going to sweep it under the carpet like they always did for Nik. She had told the police that it was Nik who had tried to kill her and that she wanted to press charges. The family constantly forgave Nik for the way she treated.
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