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I was very happy, and excited about trying to get back in touch with the man I loved and had married. I had gone off the pill and our sex life had exploded. We were acting like newlyweds again, hoping each time we made love that we would he would impregnate me.But before we could start over, I knew I had to call my black lover, to tell him that I could not see him again. He wanted us to meet at his apartment, but I had made up my mind he was not going to seduce me again with his touch and kisses. I insisted we go for a drive in the country, away from everyone and, most importantly, away from the temptation of an afternoon in his apartment.We parked at a hidden picnic area near a small stream and walked along the stream banks holding hands. I told him that I loved him but I had to stop seeing him. I told him why and how important it was for me, that I had decided that I wanted another baby, the baby I had wanted to have with him, but he had run from the commitment.He didn't want to. It's a heavy load I'm carrying here, not only the emotional load on myself, but everyone else's as well."And frankly, this whole 'mission' thing is just as treacherous. Everyone wants me to tell them how to live, or provide them a moral compass, but I'm resisting that as much as possible. The problem with morality is what starts out as simple, sensible advice ends up as a means of attacking others. Jesus' simple admonition to love one another ended up as a justification to murder and enslave millions of people. Moral principles meant to provide guidance in life end up being used as a sledgehammer to enforce uniformity. I don't want my movement to fall into that trap, so I've been treading carefully, not giving anyone any advice which can be misinterpreted. I've been keeping the whole movement about our survival as a people, not judging what's right or appropriate for anyone else." Wow, we never knew you were so worried about all of this," Chalise observed. "We've always known you.
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