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It’s called social anxiety. My brother knows about my anxiety because we always talk about in family therapy. I can’t even explain it, nor do I want to. This feeling stays with me even when we reach school.I think everybody is judging me, even those who I don’ know. Why am I so ugly? Why is everyone better looking then me? Those thoughts are only a few of the million I have every day. My brother would run off ahead with no trace of anxiety at all. Lucky bastard. I walked into school and Daniel was at his locker. Daniel had a big nose; he was skinny and very extraverted. He was social. I was very jealous of him so I would alter my mind to think that he was just annoying.I walked to my locker and thought: “Is the way I’m standing weird and gay looking?” A key word…gay. I wasn’t sure of my sexuality. I had a girlfriend, we did nothing, she broke up with me. She gave this bullshit reason that I forget right now. I opened my locker and took out my books for my first period. Science. As I. Not like trouble with your folks or teachers, but like...” Sarah struggled to find the words.Kiki turned in Sarah’s arms to face her. “I’m talking about real trouble. I had a lot of it early on and again right before I decided it was time to leave LA for good. Eventually, I developed my creep radar and, when there was real trouble brewing with a guy I was fucking, I could always find another guy to help me out of it because he wanted to fuck me and hadn’t yet.”Sarah frowned. “So, why did you leave LA?”Kiki lowered her head for a moment. “I ended up in a situation with a guy where getting me away from him would have been more trouble than it was worth. He’s got reasons to never come to New York, so this was a logical place to set up shop. Once I got here, I made sure to never let anybody think they owned any part of me. As soon as there was a hint of expectation, whatever we had was over.”“And that worked for you?”“Sort of. I don’t always make the best choices when I’m horny ... or.
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