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Sixteen now and on the telephone with a boyfriend, I feel how much I love him and I’m grinning as I pick up the phone talking in my happy lively way until I stop suddenly, my face falling eyes wide listening to what he’s saying. I’m not his soul mate, he can’t be with me anymore. Very quickly I flash through the achingly terrible fighting that occurred between he and I, and the six months of healing that followed. With focus on the rough spots. I’m beginning to get this feeling in my chest like my hearts becoming almost to full, re-feeling all this at once. The sadness of my life I think now, that it’s over while still scarring in it’s own way could not be nearly as bad as others I’ve known in my life, or just the standard of bad itself. Now with eternity sitting out before me I contemplate this and look up at Jada from across my bedroom. She says nothing, and her face is unreadable, at once she rises and leaves me alone with my thoughts. Turning around I stare at my semi-neatly. Annette nodded dumbly."But you still want to talk about it, don't you?"Another silent nod."Well, come on in. I'll put the kettle on while you change out of uniform and then we can talk. Don't worry, darling. I won't chew your ear or preach at you. I promise."Annette looked up shyly at her and saw nothing but love and understanding in her mother's eyes. "Thanks, Mum," she whispered and climbed out of the car.Ten minutes later they were sitting opposite each other at the kitchen table, each with a mug of tea."You've been winding yourself up for this, haven't you, Tig darling?"Annette nodded. "I'm just so confused."Deborah said nothing but smiled gently."When 'that man' did those things to me he told me WE were doing wrong but it was HIM that was, wasn't it?" Yes, darling." But I didn't know that and he made me feel that everything down there was unclean and yucky. When I had a bath I'd always use a flannel so that my fingers wouldn't touch anything. And I'd always leave that until last.
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