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But, it’s been a long time since I looked at him with my eyes.” Well, that was the spark I’d been waiting for, a moment of hilarity to levy perfect karma upon my parents for this torturous trip. With a laugh that can only be created by the truly gifted, I sat down my burger and fixed a stare at my weary parents. “Well, what you look at him with then!” I shot back, hoping to catch them in one of those adult cover-ups that parents are so fond of dumping on their offspring. Then something both uncharacteristic and unexpected happened. My mother opened her mouth to reply, but all that escaped her lips was the closed silence of one who has been suddenly and inextricably stricken dumb. I grinned in victory, my dart had scored a hit! But, as the moments ticked by, and her expression deepened, I gazed at her flushed, deer-in-the-headlights expression and grew silent. Long minutes passed, until her struggle on my behalf finally yielded a single tear from her glazed and misted eyes. Finally,. Last night at the dinner, I intentionally set with my back to the rest of the diners when I could have set with my back to a wall. I stood there for several moments and made a conscious choice to trust. I didn’t know about half the people there. To most of you that is no big thing. I get that. To someone who has spent their life paranoid with decent reasons for their paranoia it’s a little bit of something. Will I make a habit of it? I don’t know. It’ll be a case by case basis. I did it that time though.What are my plans for the new year? Damned if I know. I’m going to relearn to meditate. Work on being more present when I’m with people. Spend time with a shrink if I can afford it. Find out what Darian is really like. See, in August of 2017, I became a new person. My neurological structure changed. Yet, almost the entire time since then I have been in pain. It’s only the last few weeks that I’ve had any idea what it’s like as this new me not to suffer. Yes, I have limitations. But I.
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