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Nominee No. 2 (Kalamazoo Gazette):James Burns, 34, a mechanic from Alamo MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a “farm-type truck.” Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns’ clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns “wrapped in the drive shaft”.Nominee No. 3 (Hickory Daily Record):Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but instead grabbed a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.Nominee No. 4 (UPI, Toronto):Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion. What else? Oh yes, you probably noticed that I have some loose skin on my tummy. That’s from my growing womb stretching my skin to contain my children. Don’t worry, the RAD will allow your body to fix this quickly, I just get pregnant so often that it still can’t catch up. Some of you girls may think it’s unsightly, but I promise, the boys who mind don’t matter, and the boys who matter don’t mind.Getting pregnant feels too good thanks to my RAD, I just can’t go without it. And it’s a good thing, too, because our military bases in the stars need more troops, and our space colonies need more settlers, all to keep the invaders from returning to Earth. I’m doing my duty for humanity.And so are you, Jackson! Oh, that’s good, you can fuck me for real now. I’m so close! Come on, you want to knock me up don’t you? Stop trying to knock me up and knock me up! Fucking breed me, you beast! Ahhhhhhh, yes! Thank you! Now get out of here, you fucking sex pest. Oh, don’t be like that, I’m just giving.
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