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Let me try again. Never write a fucking novel, you idiot. I was happy with my life until I did. And then as soon as it published, everything turned to shit flavored frozen rain. And this is the most important thing… Whatever you do, never write a goddamn successful novel, you fucking idiot! ***** As you might have expected, I speak from personal experience. And now, in the time honored tradition of shitty novelists everywhere, I am going to take you all the way back to the beginning, whether you want it or not. I grew up the last of a family of six kids in a frightening little neighborhood of South Philly. I mean, this was the kind of neighborhood that you don’t want your kid walking through, not to mention growing up. But for some reason, which I still don’t understand, the kids in my neighborhood grew up successful. Maybe it was the extra fucking lead we had in the water. Who knows? Two neighbors older than me ended up becoming congressmen. The fat kid who lived in the house behind. “Well now I know there are two sluts in this family.” Many months went by. My mother was showing a very pregnant tummy, while mine was just taking a good shape. We never told my step-brother during that entire time. We figured we would wait for his next trip back home. The day finally came when Matthew would be home for the summer. When he walked into the house, he saw his very pregnant step mother and a pregnant step sister waiting for him.“Welcome home!” my mother and I yelled.“It’s great to be…. Woah. What the?”I spoke up, “Welcome home, Matthew!” I gave him a big hug and made sure my pregnant belly rubbed up to his body.“Wait. What’s going on? Did that jerk knock you up too?”My mom interjected. “He’s not a jerk. He’s a kind and very sexual man. He takes care of my needs where your own father couldn’t. And no, he didn’t knock up your step sister!”I was shocked at the statement. I finally looked at Matthew and said, “No Matthew, John didn’t get me pregnant. You.
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