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In the morning, I would cry to findthat I was still a boy. I wanted to be a girl more than ever. I eventhought about sneaking into the kitchen after everyone was asleep,getting the biggest knife I could find and cutting off this thing I hadbetween my legs. That gross thing that kept me from being a girl. LuckilyI never did. I found out later that if I had, it might have prevented mefrom being considered for my SRS.I started having dreams of being a girl and getting married to Steve. Inmy dreams, I would walk down the aisle of the church in a white weddinggown. There he stood waiting for me, in his tuxedo, looking so handsome.For our honeymoon, we would go on a Caribbean cruise, just the two of us.And on our wedding night, I would come out of the bathroom in a longsilky white night gown (no panties on underneath). Crawling onto the bedwhere he waited, we would make sweet passionate love to each other. Theresult of his having sex with me was that I would be pregnant with hischild.I. I didn't know what to make of it; I still don't.You know, the fact is that I was loving being Amanda. I liked her life,the work was interesting, George has been amazing through all this, Ijust adore him, the friendship that you and I have, that we still have,these and a hundred other things. Not only do I like these things, butthere's something else, they feel, oh, I don't know...they feel right.Since all this began to unravel I've been seeing a therapist and she andI have been looking at all this and, well, ... oh, Brenda, I'm soconfused." His voice trailed off and the tears began again. Brenda studied the face of the person she knew so well. Memoriesflashed before her of the many hours they had spent together. Under the"Amanda" costume, she had known there was a man, but she had noticed thechange herself. When she first was getting to know Amanda, after thattrip from Reagan National to McLean, the person she saw was womanenough, but perhaps something of an tomboy - a bit.
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