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When I hit Lisa, all of that ended. Peter took control of me and forced me to take control of myself. Turned out, he said, I needed to receive the pain more than I needed to dish it out. I didn't know if he was right, but it seemed to work.But, as you may have noticed, Peter was about 130 miles away. Last season he was just as far but Lisa was around. This season, no Peter, no Lisa and today no Beth even. Just me and my ability to control myself.Did I mention the 'high'? Playing football got me high. It was the rush — not drugs; even I'm not that stupid — the adrenaline, the endorphins, the hormones, that kind of shit. Sometimes, by like half-time, I can barely see or hear and I can't feel pain. I can play — that's the only thing I can do. It's like if it doesn't involve putting that guy with the ball wearing the wrong uniform into the ground, I can't understand it. On the one hand, the coach's love it when I'm like that because some of the other guys pick up the focus from me and we. Death wisps away, not knowing, not caring, about the mess it’s left behind. ‘Death ends a life, not a relationship.’ ~Robert Benchly Due to my grandfather’s health at the time, the funeral was postponed, and we waited to see if he was going to pass away also. The only thing I could think was that Death held a grudge, and was going to wipe out our family in one swoop. Faceless bastard. But Grandpa stabilized, though he wasn’t getting better. The funeral was set. Now all we had to do was wait. I had plenty of time for thinking. I was still mad. But one afternoon, I felt the anger lift, the tendrils of rage raising from my soul, and disappearing into the breeze. I felt peaceful. I felt much better. But with that came defeat. I felt myself deflate, like a balloon with a slow leak. Regardless, I felt better. My mom came to my room, looked at me, and said, ‘You’re not mad anymore, are you?’ It was evident on my face. My anger hadn’t done any good when he was alive, and all it would do.
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