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It was addressed to a Bethany McCallister but came to ouraddress instead. I thought it was a mistake but opened it anyway becauseit was for students of the class of 2013. John, it said something aboutan official name change for you, that you should use this name and yournew email address for all communications and class registrations. Did youask for your name to be changed to Bethany, a woman's name?"For what seemed like forever, I just froze and did not know what to say.Eventually I tried to minimize this issue, saying "this is just a thingfor my grad assistant job, so I can keep working there. I needed awoman's name for the paperwork or they couldn't keep me and I would losemy job and have to quit." I know it's weird, but it's what I had to do to stay in school. Pleasedon't be mad at me mom." Then I held my breath while it was her turn tospeak. She was too quiet for too long, and I was getting worried.Eventually she said, "what should I call you now, dear. What do you wantyour. I know exactly what the dream means, for the message in it is abundantly clear. There can be no more. No more dreaming of the man I love. No more wanting him late at night, and needing his love to be thrust gently inside me. No more thinking of our bodies intertwined beneath the sheets of my bed. No more thoughts of kisses and soft caresses pressed against my aching flesh. No more wishing for his hands to roam eagerly over every inch of me. No more fantasizing of pianos and a home filled with love, safety, warmth, and family. All of these are merely dreams that can never be and if I hold onto them then I will never know peace. We will never be together and I know that, with every bit of my being, I know it but God, how do you let it all go? Something so strong and sure? How do you implore your heart of hearts to see reason and allow yourself to heal? How do you tell it to speak with your head and actually listen? To understand that this pain, this appalling heartache, could and will.
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