I had always liked having control over my appearance and found that side of things very hard to deal with. I also had to think of my responsibility to my child - I wanted to be a good role model. To me (at the time) it was about not only being a good parent but about showing a much defined, clear cut feminine role. While I was pregnant I managed to find a balance between customising some of my masculine clothing so it still fitted me and also wearing some female maternity clothes too. But before I gave birth I threw out all my 'boy' stuff because I thought I simply couldn't blur the lines like that in case it left a 'bad' impression on my child. That wasn't the first time I had thrown stuff out. I had gone through phases in the past of collecting my male clothes and keeping them in my wardrobe, and then various pressures or misplaced guilt had caused me to make myself stop and be feminine all the time. I know now it was because of pressure within my relationships, or fear of other. "She isn't suggesting that we spend the night in a lion's den or play games of Russian roulette," I told him. "I believe Wendy wants a sexual adventure." I thought it best not to mention that Wendy's virginity had been weighing heavily on her lately. I, on the other hand, had no such problem.Listen, I love Wendy as a sister, but I doubt if there is a more naïve woman on Earth. It wasn't her fault. I'd met her parents. The father was a tyrant as only fundamentalist pastor could be, and her mother was a dishrag. No spine. But Wendy wasn't like either of them.WENDY"What do you mean sexual adventure?" Tom asked."Like play strip poker," Rachel offered."I don't know now to play poker," I told her. "It wouldn't be fair." She snorted at that suggestion. "He'd take advantage and have us naked in a couple hands." Isn't that what you want?" No, Rachel. I want risk. Danger. An uncertain outcome." I admit, I wanted an adventure with a man, but I didn't necessarily want to get naked or fucked..
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