’ I replied: ‘It all works out when we let it.’ Zena responded: ‘That’s easy for you to say.’ Barb jumped in: ‘Do I hear some self pity?’ Zena replied: ‘ It’s hard to not go there sometimes. There are a bunch of parties at Umass this Friday night. Every other girl on our floor has a date but I still have never been asked out on a date. Here I am a college junior and I’ve never been on a date. How do I let myself get a date?’ I was sensing a tremendous loneliness in Zena. I reached over and squeezed her hand. She stared at me, not joy, not fear, not anger, but curiosity. I felt electricity. I wanted her – sexually. I responded: ‘Don’t worry. He will come.’ Then I asked her about her life. She talked about her childhood and how she was mostly very comfortable being alone. She said that she liked to read and liked long walks alone in the woods. She found great serenity just sitting quietly by herself. ‘Even now I love to just go and sit by the pond.’ She explained that it was a good. And not wakingup. Sounds relieving. My sister Catherine wanted to check on me Fridayafternoon.I decided Friday night will be the night I end my life. I bought allkinds of pills which had a reputation for being contradictive withalcohol. Probably with each other as well. Just have to make sure I'mnot going to throw up. I also have some sleeping pills I nicked agesago from my mumI met with Catherine at the Starbucks at the midsummer place at thecentre. She told me how worried she and mum are. But I didn't listen.My mind was already back home. I would detour my way home and take meto the Asda in Bletchley and get something strong from the spiritsaisle. When Catherine had to leave, I looked in her face. For the lasttime. I would never see her again. She won't see me again. At leastnot alive. I wondered if she sensed something. That I'm more absentthan usual."Give mum a hug from me," I said silently before I turned to leavetowards my car. I felt sadness. Different from my sadness I.
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